Finding Peace in Troubled Relationships: When to Hold On and When to Let Go

Seek counselling when in turmoil with your relationship to avert a disaster

Finding Peace in Troubled Relationships: When to Hold On and When to Let Go

By Dr E.V. Rapiti | June 26, 2025

Many once-happy marriages break down over seemingly trivial issues—or because of long-ignored problems that eventually erupt in explosive outbursts. These eruptions only make matters worse, especially when hurtful, inaccurate things are said—things that can't be taken back. In this article, I share advice on how to address issues before they spiral out of control and lead to painful separations.

When communication reaches a deadlock, couples should seek the help of an independent and objective counsellor. A good counsellor is trained to listen to both partners, identify where each has gone wrong, and provide professional feedback without causing shame or embarrassment. During counselling, underlying issues and sensitivities are often revealed. A skilled counsellor helps each person acknowledge their shortcomings without losing face. The aim of counselling is to bring people together—not to judge—but to heal.

However, not all relationships are salvageable. If a relationship is toxic or abusive and beyond repair, a responsible counsellor will guide the couple on how to part ways with dignity. While reconciliation is ideal, individual happiness and emotional safety must never be sacrificed for the sake of staying together. The greatest casualties in irreconcilable relationships are the innocent children, who suffer like ants crushed when two elephants fight.

If you're in turmoil, don’t let pride or fear keep you from seeking help. Your happiness matters. No one should remain a prisoner of emotional torment.

Finding the right counsellor can be difficult. Many rely heavily on textbook theory and lack real-life experience. In my 40+ years of practice, I’ve learned that the most effective counsellor is someone familiar with their client’s cultural background, environment, and belief system—and who keeps an open mind.

Often, one counselling session is enough. When couples are required to attend six or more sessions, the process becomes expensive, time-consuming, and frustrating. I’ve found that focusing on the key issues is usually sufficient. Rehashing every detail from the past is unhelpful and often retraumatizing. Past issues should only be addressed if they are still influencing present behaviour. In such cases, individuals must come to terms with the past, accept it, and move forward.

If one partner keeps using the other's past mistakes as ammunition, it reflects a refusal to forgive and move on. We all have a past. No one is perfect. Those who believe they are flawless live in an imaginary world of self-righteousness. These individuals are impossible to reason with—they can neither be taught nor corrected. If you're living with such a person and your well-being is suffering, you must ask yourself: What price are you willing to pay for peace and happiness?

Sometimes, finding peace means sacrificing material comforts. It may require moving into a smaller home, selling your car, or adjusting your lifestyle. But if those comforts come at the cost of constant emotional or physical abuse, infidelity, or being left to cope alone—then it is a small price to pay for peace.

Staying in toxic relationships can lead to serious mental and physical illnesses—hypertension, diabetes, suicidal depression, alcoholism, and drug addiction. It may also tempt you to be unfaithful, which will only add fuel to the fire. When a partner suspects infidelity, it gives them even more reason to hurt and punish you.

Don't turn to substances or affairs to escape your pain—they will ruin you. And don’t waste your time confiding in family, friends, or even your priest. Well-meaning as they may be, they are not professionally equipped to help you, and they are not bound by confidentiality.

I've had several clients tell me how their pastors gossiped openly about congregants’ private lives. Some things are so sensitive, no one should know about them—not even your most loving partner. For example, if you were sexually abused in the past, disclosing that to the wrong person may one day be used against you. I have seen this happen, and the emotional damage is deep.

Keeping certain things to yourself is not dishonesty—it is wisdom. It is a way to protect your emotional safety.

Don’t dwell on your past unless it serves to remind you of how far you've come. Focus on your growth, not your scars.

Over the years, I have counselled people from all walks of life. One story that stays with me is that of a 70-year-old woman who finally divorced her abusive, alcoholic husband after her children had grown up. Her face lit up when she spoke of reclaiming her life, though I could still see the resentment. Her story reminds me that it’s never too late to find peace. Even a few years of freedom and joy are better than a lifetime of misery.

I’ve also seen elderly men walk away from decades-long marriages—with the support of their children—and finally find peace. Some even found new partners and looked rejuvenated and alive.

Yes, there is life after separation—even in your old age.

About the Author

Dr E.V. Rapiti is a family physician based in Cape Town, South Africa, who has served the diverse, densely populated community of Mitchells Plain for over 40 years. He has a passionate interest in counselling and mental health. Dr. Rapiti is known for his unorthodox, culturally sensitive counselling methods that avoid a “one-size-fits-all” approach. He tailors his strategies to suit the individual, empowering his clients to solve their problems without relying on medication. His goal is to restore dignity and self-worth by helping people take control of their own lives.

He the author of the book on addiction, “4 Steps 2 Healing”

Email: robertrapiti@gmail.com

Website: www.drrapiti.com

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